A Keg's Life

HOW A GROUP OF FOUR STONERS ENDED UP LIVING ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF A FRAT HOUSE.

By Jenny Griffin

Two goths, a gamer, and an actress, all from Emerson, live together on the second floor of a house in Allston. As a self-proclaimed group of stoners, they are easily the chillest people I know. Probably chiller than the ice luge that was outside of their window on Labor Day weekend. Grace Waronker, Mia Miller, Emily Murphy, and Christian Sawyer go to sleep every night in a BU frat house. I guess you could say it’s Kappa Sigma’s world, and these four stoners don’t really give a fuck. I spoke to them about what it's like living in such an unfamiliar and unconventional environment—I'll let them tell it:

How did you guys end up in this house?

Mia: This was the last place shown to us. We needed four bedrooms, full bathrooms, and we had a very specific price range. I didn’t get to tour this last year with my roommates, I toured it alone with the realtor, Chris. I was just trying to sleep with him.  

Grace: Originally, he showed us the third floor of the house, but called us after the deal and said that we had to take the second floor. The landlord didn’t feel comfortable giving us the third floor in the end because he said it was trash.

Mia: Chris, being the charming motherfucker that he is, convinced us that this was the place to be.

Emily: Which is interesting, because this place is filthy as fuck.

Christian: Wait, Mia, did you ever sleep with Chris?

Mia: No, I didn’t.

Christian: Rude.

  Illustration by Sabrina Ortiz

Illustration by Sabrina Ortiz

How did you find out it was a frat?

G: We were moving in, and I was like, “Why are we the only girls here?”

C: I’m here too.

G: Oh, yeah. Only girls and Christian.

M: I had no idea, because I moved in late. But on Labor day, the house next to us had a party. That was like, “Welcome home you fucking bitch!” Grace was the one that told me that this was a frat house, because she’s a goddamn socialite and talks to everyone. Wait, Grace, how did you find out?

G: I just asked.

M: Classic move.

G: It’s literally Frat Row. We live on BU Frat Row.

E: We have frat above us, frat below us, frat surrounding us.

M: We people-watch them from the deck. They all kind of look the same.

Oh, yeah, it’s sick you guys have this deck, though. Is there deck drama?

G: Joseph—Joseph is the only friend we have in the frat [Insert four minutes of roommates talking about Joseph’s family history for literally no reason. Conclusion is he might have a Lithuanian accent, and might be from New Jersey]—came down and said how pissed he was because there weren’t enough brothers to fill the second floor. They have no access to the deck now.

M: Oh, that’s fucking funny. He came up here the other day and we were just talking about the house, and I was like, “YEAH, BITCH, WE HAVE THE DECK."

G: Mia, no—I told Joseph we can share.

M: Why?

E: I think it’s fine to be territorial of our apartment, because if we’re mad welcoming he will get too comfortable again. Like, sometimes he brings his cat down here randomly. We have two cats, Sabbath and Squish. Sabbath has thumbs, and so does Joseph’s cat. They all hate each other.

C: Yo, I bet he can hear us.

M: Whatever. He still doesn’t have the deck.

Christian, what do you think about all of this?

C: I actually don’t mind it, because we can be as loud as we want. I was always paranoid last year in the dorms about pissing off the people around us, especially when we have the bass kicked way up. It’s nice to know we can be blasting at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday and no one will care.

M: I’m actually kind of concerned for them, I don’t think they ever sleep.

G: Quick announcement—just found a gram and half of strawberry cough.

E: It’s in bud form.

G: Sorry—continue, Jen.

Speaking of weed, do you guys feel like outsiders—stoners in a frat party world?

G: Yes.

M: Yes.

E: Yeah.

M: The only way I can fall asleep is because we are stoners. Like, when was the last time you guys fell asleep without weed?

G: 2008.

M: I digress.

C: It’s just that we’re stoners, they’re drinkers. We are a very different breed.

  Illustration by Sabrina Ortiz

Illustration by Sabrina Ortiz

Tell me about some stuff that normally happens here.

M: I don’t know, they set off fireworks at very random times.

G: Oh my god, Mia, remember that time it was 2 a.m., we were on the deck?

M: I fucking love that deck.

G: We were having a deep conversation, obviously stoned as hell. We hear Pop! Pop! Pop! We look at each other, and get on our stomachs, and army crawled to safety.

M: It was fucking fireworks—also, the guys above us grow herbs, which is rude because I feel like that’s something I should be doing.

I looked up this area and found a lot of police reports. What’s up with that?

E: There are always cops here.

C: Yeah, I guess since it’s frat central the cops just have to drive up and down the streets as a general “quiet down.” There are 20–30 parties on the same block on the weekends, so it makes sense. It’s weird, though, because there will be mobs of people on the street and the cops just seem to not care.

M: They definitely have better things to do than rip a Natty Ice away from an oversized toddler.

Grace, why do I just feel like you love this?

G: I love the drama.

Naturally. Do you guys interact much with them?

G: One time, they were having a bunch of people over, and I was walking out, and I offered them to try this blue dream vape pen. They literally obsessed over the vape pen for like, three hours and wouldn’t leave me alone. We have a safe word when they don’t leave us alone. It never works.

E: They asked me last night when I was outside if you were up, Grace, and if I had the blue dream pen. They told me they think about that pen every day.

G: I’ve thought about that pen once.

C: The guys downstairs are also on the running club, a lot of stuff is shocking to them. I think we are shocking to them. I see way too many short shorts.

G: Yeah, like go back to the movie Juno.

G: Have you seen that movie?

M: Yeah, I love it.

  Illustration by Sabrina Ortiz

Illustration by Sabrina Ortiz

Are they loud?

G, E, M: YES.

C: It’s not like it’s particularly extra loud, it’s just that it goes on for so long.

G, E, M: YES.

C: I think that they only know 15 songs, and those are the only 15 songs that they play.

E: They are the 15 most basic songs, too. “Toxic” by Britney Spears is one of them. The other 14 are made up of the entire Shrek soundtrack.

C: One time I heard “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen four times in one night.

G: What the fuck?

C: That’s not a complaint.

E: The weirdest part is besides the 300-people day parties, they only have like, five people over most of the time.

M: Okay, then why does it sound like the entire Women’s March is upstairs?

G: No, idiot, we said it was more like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

E: You both definitely said it was the Gay Pride parade.

C: Regardless of what specific parade it sounds like, the reason it is so loud is because they are jumpers. There is so much jumping. I kind of admire the fact that they can make a five-person get-together sound like Project X—real innovators.

Wait, so you guys admire them?

M: No, they’re fucking idiots.