Meet Old Fashioned: a charming, gentlemen type. Always waits three days to call before asking you out. Has a generic, monosyllabic name. Has mastered the art of ghosting—thinks it hurts less. No matter how much he explains it, you’re not really sure what his job is. Maybe it has something to do with math, or with people. Went to a state school. Wears an unusual amount of orange. Interrupts his stories with his own laughter.
Meet Vodka Cranberry. She peaked in high school. Loves her Lululemon, loves her little. Hair always looks perfect. So unapologetically basic she doesn’t even realize it. Tinder is always open, but she says she uses it “for giggles.” Consistently reliable. Roar is #1 on her “Work That Booty” playlist. You hate that you still like her even though she hasn’t changed since high school, though you only “found yourself” in college.
Meet Jack and Coke. Attractive in dim lighting. Brooding. Second drink of choice is “whatever IPA do you have on tap.” Doesn’t ever seem to blink. Never buys girls drinks, but always seems to leave with one. Great at listening, but you’re not really sure if he knows how to talk. Is either “working on his manuscript” or just “figuring out his sound.” Standard uniform: leather jacket, red flannel, boots. Never takes the jacket off, even in the bar, even in the summer. Talks about how Europe transformed him.
Meet Long Island Iced Tea. Good girl, with a secret bad side. You don’t realize it, but when you go out with her you end up forgetting large parts of your night. Really good at sneaking up on people, or sneaking into places––basically she is just sneaky. Walking contradiction, can’t be trusted even though you want to. Cute girl in a sweater, but loves her ripped CVS tights. Parents love her. Plus, she’s not even from Long Island.
Text by Courtney Major
Illustrations by Morgan Wright